Whatever Gareth Southgate is saying to his players clearly isn't working. All this 'They'll learn' and 'We are a good side' nonsense that he has been spouting since, ooo mid December, has only made them complacent, then cocky and finally clueless.
With this in mind here is a dose of honesty which I would like to impart to each of the players.
As none of them deserve any preference I'll go in alphabetical order.
To Jeremie Aliadiere: You are a talented player, you really are, but you have to shoot more. You need to take responsibility and strike with conviction! When you go on one of those runs where no one can catch you and there is no support or opposition, this is what we like to call a one-on-one with the keeper. At this point, you do not look helplessly around for back-up. You shoot!
To Afonso Alves: Firstly, if you shoot straight at any keeper, most of them will make the save! Secondly, please please please if you do get to start, at least stay on your feet! You have the chance to become a Boro hero (we like Brazilians here) but you need to start scoring pronto!
To Julio Arca: You were a great servant for the club and we really appreciate all you did for us. However, now your lack of positional awareness is truly frightening. It is time to move on.
To Matthew Bates: You have done really well filling in in midfield. I hope you get the chance to play as a centre back one day.
To Didier Digard: You were coming along nicely but try to put more power in your shots and indeed shoot more often. Less fouls and some goals please when you are fit again.
To Stewart Downing: Well now Stewy, you have consistently been one of our best players since turning pro. However, you have not had a good season. No League goals after last season's ten in all competitions is dismal and you need to adapt your game. If the seventh long shot you try in a row sails over the bar like all the previous efforts, why not use the pace you do actually possess to get in on goal? Go on, try it, you might like it!
To Justin Hoyte: You haven't done too much wrong but if you could stop getting injured, it would really help us out. Also, if you are in acres of space and no-one passes to you (this will happen), try not to let it affect you, just keep running forward!
To Robert Huth: You ungrateful sod. Boro signed you despite the fact that you failed your first medical and you have since repaid us with a few excellent performances but a hell of a lot more standing around watching the ball go into the net. You are extremely tall and not incapable of jumping so you should be winning headers. Also, yes a big part of your game is out-muscling opponents but climbing all over them and hurling them to the ground in the ref's eyeline is a bad idea. Stop it. Finally, as you are undoubtedly talented, can you please put in more effort and run occasionally?
To Adam Johnson:You will never get picked over Stewart Downing. There, I've said it! You are a talented young player but having never been given a run in any Boro side apart from the youth team, we are not honestly certain how good you are. If Stewy leaves in the Summer, the left wing is all yours.
To Brad Jones: This is your chance to prove everybody wrong. You managed four clean sheets and have pulled off some excellent saves. Work on the basics and please try to learn how to kick with both feet.
To Marlon King: You have the makings of a decent Championship striker. We may need you.
To Tony McMahon: After coming back from injury, you made a good case for a place in the starting eleven but please cut out all the unnecessary fouls.
To Mido: Please do not come back, you are not welcome at the Riverside.
To Gary O'Neil: Despite being a fairly dreadful central midfielder, you have turned out to be a decent winger. Your workrate is always impressive. I am aware that you are not 'settled' here and will, in all likelihood, leave in the Summer but you are actually our highest scoring midfielder this season so well done and thank you.
To Emanuel Pogatetz: You were a fan favourite and a good centre back but when played out of position, all your weaknesses are exposed. This is not entirely your fault, however you need to suck it up and get on with it! You seem to have given up being captain anyway so I assume you won't mind if I re-assign the armband?
To Chris Riggott: You were badly treated by this club. However, you are a fringe player at best.
To Tuncay Sanli: I know you live for the adoration and you are a gifted player but sometimes you have got to get down and dirty and scrap. A few more goals wouldn't go amiss either.
To Shawky: You really want to go to Newcastle? Bye!
To Andrew Taylor: You haven't really played much this season... we'll see how you do next year.
To Ross Turnbull: What happened? You exceeded everyone's admittedly low expectations and then went to pieces against Chelsea. Your best chance at being a first choice keeper is at Middlesbrough, sign here!
To Josh Walker: I'm sorry. I realise you worked your ass off to recover from injury in the absolute least amount of time possible to regain your place and Boro have played a central defender, Arca and Shawky instead of you. I can only apologise!
To David Wheater: You have not had your best season. However, you are a player for the future and I do hope your future is at the Boro.
And what Southgate should say to Steve Gibson: Well, between us we have really ballsed this up, haven't we? As Chairman you are pretty much stuck here but I have seriously outstayed my welcome and am now just prolonging the fans' agony. Goodbye.
First published on www.ComeOnBoro.com on 9/4/2009
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