Firstly, let me begin with an apology for the absence of my column last week. I could blame the scheduling and point to the mid-week fixtures but I'm a terrible liar, even in print, and I would rather hold my hands up and say that it just wasn't working.
This is a phrase used by footballers on a regular basis. It is supposed to express regret whilst absolving them of any responsibility.
Anyway, having gone down to Chester for the weekend and spent an inordinate amount of money on clothes (American Apparel in Liverpool is way too tempting), I started thinking about the old adage that the clothes make the man.
On Soccer AM, it was revealed that former Boro legend George Boateng studied Fashion Design at college and considered a career in it before turning professional.
This information was not remotely surprising. Off the pitch, George likes sharp tailoring in slightly shiny fabrics and a dark colour pallet. Lots of black and silvery grey.
Helen Chamberlain commented that "footballers love their clobber". She is not wrong.
On the pitch they are used to wearing a uniform so if the clothes make the man, then the strip makes the team.
Pulling on a Boro shirt, you are instantly recognisable as either a player or a fan. It provides an identity and makes you part of something.
We (the fans) were told that the Boro team had a hand in designing the much maligned gold away strip of the 2007-08 season, but we never found out who was to blame!
At first, gold seems like a good choice for a football team - it speaks of success, it is aspirational and it's shiny!
But Typical Boro, it just didn't work. The 'gold' was rather sickly and of course it left us open to ridicule along the lines of 'Boro have no silverware but they still wear gold...'
This season we reverted to the retro blue and black strip and actually put together an impressive away run. However, this quickly stuttered and then died. Ah well.
Still, there have certainly been worse kits at different teams over the years. Liverpool in particular have had depressing grey and hurt your eyes yellow.
However, without a doubt, Oldham's nauseating neon pink away strip is the runaway winner of worst kit of the season this time around.
Off the pitch, most players are most comfortable in some form of sportswear, but they also like to display their wealth.
As such, there is still a kind of uniform for the off-duty player. This typically includes designer jeans, leather jackets, diamond earrings, a gigantic watch and T-shirts and hoodies by Ed Hardy.
Ed Hardy is a brand of designer 'sports and loungewear' where the average hoody will set you back a couple of hundred quid. Featuring tattoo-style designs of graphic images such as skulls, snakes, pin-up girls and fire, bold colours and jewels often feature.
Subtle it isn't.
The best looking players are often drafted in by designers to model their clothes. Footballers from David James to David Beckham appear on giant billboards and get given free clothes for their trouble.
Soccer AM's 'Team Mates' section includes questions on the best and worst dressed players. These awards are often awarded to foreign players (such as Freddie Ljungberg) whose flamboyant fashion 'sense' raises eyebrows amongst their team mates.
At a club such as Boro, which has an unusually high percentage of English and particularly local lads, you might expect the players to be more English in their outlook. And on the whole they do play it safe.
While at Boro, Jonathan Woodgate claimed Andrew Taylor was the worst dressed as 'nothing looks right on him'.
To be fair to 'Tayls' he likes his sparkles, but generally wears his clothes well.
Whilst injured, Matthew Bates had a nice line in grey cardigans and turned up to a charity auction for the Brian Clough Fund in a red shirt which was so tight that he couldn't raise his arm all the way to bid! This was much to Lee Cattermole's amusement.
Justin Hoyte has his clothes sent to him from a designer friend in London, whilst on the occasions I have met Jeremie Aliadiere, he has been wearing the same hoody and one of two black and white hat and scarf combos. Every time.
Franck Queudrue in his time at the Boro earned my undying love by wearing his sunglasses on his bandaged head whilst having lunch in Yarm.
Abel Xavier, surprisingly given his flamboyant facial adornments, favoured the monochrome look and could often be spotted in The Keys' R 'n' B room in simple black trousers and a white T-shirt dancing with a veritable harem of blondes!
Not all footballers give a toss what they put on though. Luke Young was happy to admit that the jeans he was wearing were 'bought by the missus' and you get the feeling that Chris Riggott puts on whatever clean clothes are nearest to hand!
George Boateng, Bolo Zenden and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink have all been invited back to the Boro on Thursday for the opening of local Indian restaurant Akbars. I will be there noting what kind of reception each player gets and of course checking out their 'clobber' .
First published on www.ComeOnBoro.com on 12/3/2009
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